This is just not good at all. A week left until my first exam, and I am just not managing to do any school work at all. I had an assignment I was supposed to hand in yesterday, and rather than going to school empty handed, I stayed home. It’s like I’m not motivated, and really I think I’m just terrified of failing.

I’d forgotten what school is like… Homework and tests and exams to study for… The past few years I’ve barely had to study for exams at all, most assessments have been practical to some degree or another. I haven’t needed to sit down and study. I’ve been doing things I think is fun. I’ve been practicing music, writing songs, doing research, studying music theory which, once you know it, just kind of sits in your brain and your fingers.

Now I remember everything I didn’t like about going to school. I’ve mostly enjoyed my lessons this semester, and I’ve learned a lot, but then there’s been homework I just couldn’t be arsed to do, always thinking, I’ll catch up closer to exams, and then never doing it. Back into old habits. And now, having decided that I’m not going to go to uni next year anyway, it’s like some part of me has decided it doesn’t see the point anymore, and now I just feel aimless and depressed and apathetic.

I really, really don’t want to go to school, either, but I will. I will because, even if I might not manage the physics, I will at least manage math. I intend to pass my exam next Wednesday. But I’m uncertain about whether I’ll be continuing next semester or not… This is something I’ll have to think very carefully about.