It’s hard to express this without sounding like a primadonna. Because, obviously, that’s what you are if you’re an artist and you complain about people not paying attention to your art, more about it .

I just got home from my job’s Christmas party. We had awesome food, and we talked and it was very very lovely. Now, thing is, one of my coworkers was on this year’s Norwegian Idol competition, on TV. Three times during the course of the evening, she was asked to sing. Me? None. Many of my coworkers know I’m singer. Many of them know I aspire to make a career out of this. Yet, none of them asked me if I would like to sing something.

I don’t begrudge her the attention. In fact, I think she’s very talented, and I wish her luck, and I want her to make it as an artist. I just want her to achieve her goals without… I dunno. I dunno what I’m saying. I’m a little bit drunk anyway.

Like I said, it’s hard to express this without sounding like a primadonna. It’s hard to not sound like a jealous cunt. I’m not, I’m really not. I just feel like, with all the sacrifices I’m prepared to make to be an artist, it would be nice if people would give me a moment to show what I’m up to every once in a while. I don’t think I’m more worthy than others. I’d just like to have the same opportunities.

I don’t play any instruments very well. I should learn. I’m trying to learn, so I don’t have to be dependent on other people. I have gone through most of my life being the last one picked for the team. That goes for my musical side as well. I’m the last one people ask. I once had a voice coach who told me it was because I was too good, that I intimidated them. I would love to believe that, but I don’t. What is it about me that makes me the last person people ask? Why don’t people want to hear me play? Why don’t people want to play with me?

Am I kidding myself? Have people been lying to me all my life, afraid to hurt my feelings? Am I really one of those people who can’t carry a tune to save my life? Am I one of those people who just think they can sing, who just think they have talent, for anything? What is it about me that makes people not notice me?

Understand me right, here. I don’t want to be a celebrity. I’m not in it for the glamour or the riches, or because I’m a narcisistic bitch who needs attention. I’m really not. I’m in it because I feel like I have stories to tell, because I feel like I have all this creative energy inside it and I want to use it for good, to share it. But I need some acknowledgement. I need people to see me, because otherwise I’ll just give up. I need to know that what I’m doing is good. Or at least that it does some good for someone, even if it’s just one person. I need to be told that I’m good enough.

Do people think that I know? Do people think that I don’t need encouragement? Do I seem that confident? Or is it just that I’m really just not cutting it? Am I just not good enough? Would people I rather shut up, keep it to myself, and do something sensible with my life? What? What is it?

I just want to sing…

This song made me stop crying for a minute.